原创I如何培养出一个均衡发展的青少年？How to raise a well-balanced yo...
点亮生命之光，幸福人类心视界
Cindy 心语：
“如何培养好一个青少年，我认为最好的方法可能是将我的经验总结为一个容易记住的“平衡”模式-首字母缩写词(B.A.L.A.N.C.E.)，以便家长们可以从中找到规律并获得一些实用的育儿技巧，希望这些对大家在培养一个均衡发展的青少年方面有所帮助。”
作为三个孩子的妈妈（两个男孩和一个女孩，最小儿子今年高中毕业），及一位与学生一起工作了二十多年的教育心理学家，常常被家长们问及一个看似简单的问题：“如何培养好一个青少年”时，我脑海中掠过太多现实生活中的故事，无论正面反面，一言难尽。我认为最好的方法可能是将我的经验总结为一个容易记住的“平衡”模式-首字母缩写词(B.A.L.A.N.C.E.)，以便家长们可以从中找到规律并获得一些实用的育儿技巧，希望这些对大家在培养一个均衡发展的青少年方面有所帮助。
B – Belief System
A – Asking& Assisting
L –Listening & Limiting
A –Anti-Stress & Anger Management
N – Newideas with a Growth Mindset
C –Control, Concerns & Confidence
E – Excellence with Resiliency
B – Belief System （信念体系）：
我们的信念价值观体系是一切的基础，它决定了我们如何做事与生活，具有不同信念价值体系的人通常会选择不同的育儿方式。我为人父母的信念体系是“用心理财富养育孩子”，除了要求学习成绩良好以外，这种哲学理念引导我朝着均衡发展的方向来培养自己的孩子。
A – Asking & Assisting （询问与协助）：
我没有将自己的梦想或未完成的目标放在我的孩子身上，而是询问了解孩子们自己的目标和梦想，并尽力帮助他们朝着这些目标努力。
L – Listening & Limiting （倾听与限制）：
与儿子和他的朋友们聊天（当下不加以评判），有时我甚至和他的朋友们一起去看电影（但不坐在他们的小组中）。我相信父母应该是负责人，因此，在听到/看到不恰当的语言或想法/行为后，我会与儿子讨论，并且为儿子下次活动设立一定限制。
A – Anti-Stress & Anger Management （抗压力和怒气管理）：
个人都有生活在现代社会中的压力，我认为抗压能力对于培养具有健康心理的年轻人至关重要。在工作中，我看到了很多非常聪明的年轻人让人心痛惋惜的案例，这些年轻人患有各种精神障碍（例如情绪爆发，抑郁，自杀意念等）。在与有些父母会面之后，我明白了为什么他们的子女会表现出那样的行为。
许多父母从未意识到自己实际上是孩子问题的主要原因-孩子“复制”或模仿父母的许多行为和语言。我要请父母们有足够的重视：在您为孩子的一些大问题抱怨之前，请暂停一下并进行自我镜像检查。问自己以下问题：“即使我觉得这是合理的生气，我要大发脾气，无意识中为孩子树立不适当的行为模式吗？”“当孩子选择不听话甚至挑战我的权威时，我是否会对他/她大喊大叫？”
反之，如果我们学会识别孩子的积极方面或长处，欣赏我们已经拥有的而不是失去的东西，练习如何控制自己的情绪，学习使用积极有效的沟通技巧与“话术”，从改变自己开始，进而影响他人，那将使我们的生活更轻松，并确实会使我们感到更快乐。
N – New ideas with a Growth Mindset （具有成长心态的新想法）：
鼓励采纳吸收新方法（例如，杜绝墨守成规，留意并尝试驾车从新路线去一个熟悉目的地，当碰到某种原因您的熟悉路线被封闭时，您还可以选择新路回家）这类训练帮助我儿子拥有了一种以成长心态而不是固定心态去解决问题的能力。
C – Control, Concerns & Confidence （控制力，顾虑，和自信心）：
良好的自我控制能力通常可以使一个优秀孩子/青年人脱颖而出。在成人工作中，自控力的高低也能让不同能力的人彼此区别开来。因此，训练孩子的自我控制能力至关重要。当您尝试控制与孩子有关的情况但失败时，一定有其原因。当我的想法与孩子的想法发生冲突时，我通常会花些时间听他/她讲他们的顾虑，如果想法有理，我会尊重并肯定其想法，然后我会相应地调整自己的计划。这样一来可以为我们亲子之间的积极关系锦上添花，也有助于建立孩子的自信心。
E – Excellence with Resiliency (优秀与韧性)：
我和我孩子们有一个共同的目标，那就是追求优秀与弹性。他们了解达到优秀目标并不容易，有时尽管付出了巨大努力，仍有可能无法达到目标。我小儿子经过多年的演员培训，尽管有时感觉角色仿佛是为自己定做的，却由于许多其他无法控制的因素，而在多次试镜后仍被刷下。无数次的失败使他获得了更高的挫折承受能力，他的心理“免疫系统”变得越来越强大–他可以胜而不骄，败而不怨，保持内在的平稳冷静，而且不容易被拒绝“损坏”自信心。我希望我的孩子们都能获得这种韧性。尽管过去数年来我们做父母的为孩子们从事表演事业付出了许许多多，无法计算的时间和驾车里程数，我对他收获的这份心理韧性最为感恩与感激！
在反思自己对三个孩子的教育培养历程时，我觉得，当我使用东西方文化相结合的光谱方法或策略时是最有收获的时候。所以不要走极端，要取长补短，要尽力寻找两者之间的平衡点。我希望在此与其他父母分享我的BALANCE模型，让我们在这条不容易的育儿道路上互助并共勉！
As a momof three youth (two boys and one girl, with the youngest son graduating from highschool this year), and an Educator who has been working with students for overtwenty years, I have too many real-life stories, good and bad, to think aboutwhen many parents asked me a simple question, “How to raise a child well?” Ithink the best way might be summarizing my experiences into
an easy toremember model - Acronyms (B.A.L.A.N.C.E.),
so parents can take away with some parenting tips which hopefully are helpfulfor families in their efforts of raising a well-balanced youth.
B – BeliefSystem
A – Asking& Assisting
L –Listening & Limiting
A –Anti-Stress & Anger Management
N – Newideas with a Growth Mindset
C –Control, Concerns & Confidence
E –Excellence with Resiliency
B – Belief System:
Our belief system is thefoundation. It determines what and how we do things in our lives. People withdifferent belief systems usually choose different parenting styles. My beliefsystem for parenting is “Raising children with psychological wealth.” Thisphilosophy guided me to parent my children in the direction of seeking forwell-balanced characteristics.
A – Asking & Assisting:
Instead of putting my dream or myunaccomplished goal for my children to do, I asked them about their goals anddreams and tried to assist them to work toward those goals.
L – Listening & Limiting:
I chat with my son and his friends(without judgement at the moment), sometimesI even go watching movie with them like their friend (but not sitting in theirgroup). I believe parents still should be the one in charge. Therefore, I do discusswith my son when I hear/see inappropriate languages or ideas /behaviors afterhearing their stories, and I do set limits for my son.
A – Anti-Stress & AngerManagement:
Everyone has stress living in the modern society. In my opinion, Anti-stressability is super important for raising a youth with psychological wealth. Throughmy work, I have seen many cases of very smart youth who suffer from all kindsof mental disorders (e.g., emotional outbursts, depression, suicidal ideation,etc.) After meeting with their parents, I understood why their son/daughterbehaved that way.
Many parents never realize that they actually are a maincause of their kids’ problems – kids “copy” or mimic lots of behaviors andlanguages from their parents.
I cannot emphasizemore than enough to parents: Before you complain about your child for some bigproblems, please pause and have a self-mirror check by asking yourself such questions:“Did I model inappropriate behavior even when it seems to be reasonable for meto get angry?” “Did I yell or scream at my child when he/she chose not to listenand even challenge my authority?”
On the other hand, learning to identify ourkid’s positive side or strengths, appreciate what we already have rather thanour loss, practice how to manage our emotions, will make our life easier andindeed help us feel happier.
N – New ideas with a Growth Mindset:
Encourage to absorb new ideas(e.g., discovering new ways to drive to a familiar destination so you alwayshave an option if your familiar and comfortable way is blocked for some reason).This type of training has helped my son to use a Growth Mindset instead of aFixed Mindset in his problem- solving process.
C – Control, Concerns, &Confidence:
A goodSelf-Control ability can usually make a child/youth stand out of the crowd. Itdifferentiates people from each other in adult business as well. Therefore,training your child with Self-Control skills is essential.
However, when you try to control a situationwith your child but fail, there must be a reason. When there is a conflictbetween my thoughts and my son’s ideas, I usually spend some time hearing hisconcerns, validate and respect his ideas if they do make sense and I make adjustmentto my plan accordingly.
This not only strengthens our positive relationship,but also helps building up my son’s confidence.
E – Excellence with Resiliency:
My kids and I share a common goalto seek for Excellence with Resiliency. They understand that it is not easy toreach the goal of excellence. Sometimes they may still not reach it despite ofthe tremendous efforts put in, when manyother out-of-control factors exist.
With many years of trainings in acting presentationsand being rejected at the end of auditions for a highly matched role, my younger son gained much higher frustration tolerance ability, his psychologicalimmune system has become stronger and stronger – he can remain calm inside outand is not easily “damaged” from rejections.
This psychological trait is what Iwish all my children could obtain. Despite of the countless hours and mileageswe put into my kids’ acting business in the past years, the resiliency he hasgained is what I am mostly grateful and thankful for!
In reflectingof my own experiences educating my three children, I feel it’s most beneficialwhen I use methods or strategies on the spectrum from both Western and Easterncultures, not just going by either extreme way, but a balanced point inbetween. I wish to share my BALANCEModelwith other parents so we can encourage each other on this not-easyparenting road!