5.5分雅思大作文如何逆袭6.5分?丨附精改详解
各位烤鸭们大家好
今天给大家带来
【雅思作文修改】栏目的第三期
前两期内容回顾
本栏目提供学生习作
由唐伟胜老师进行批改和评析
充分指出问题所在
帮助大家巧妙避开吧“雷点”
实现“分”的飞跃
建议大家仔细阅读
一定会大有收获哦
比心❤
Task 2
题目
Some people believe that school should be given online courses, whereas others argue that the traditional face-to-face teaching is more important. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.
本期学生习作原文
Nowadays, more and more people pay attention to giving courses to students online instead of teaching face to face in campus, some people think it can save time and do more significant works, in my opinion, it owns more advantages than disadvantages.
Giving courses online save people’s time as people can have courses everywhere, which is more convenient than studying in campus, students who live far from schools have to take much time to reach campus, and it is really inconvenient in rainy days, so online courses can solve such problems.
Giving courses online also benefits for busy people, for example, those who are famous entrepreneurs and have no regular leisure time. They can have courses every time, they can earn money and have courses which will not cause conflicts. For instance, my uncle who is a CEO of a big company, and he always take courses online during the airplane, he said he can utilize the fractional time to expand his knowledge significantly.
Although teaching online is beneficial for people’s study, there is another special group who are young with less self-control, such as primary students. According to a professional survey, scientists said that primary students have far less patience to their study than graduates. There will be an increasing students who can not concentrate on class if there is no teacher monitoring them face- to- face. But the situation can be changed if parents accompany them and keep watch on them. And online courses will also save parent’s time who have to deliver their children to school everyday.
Giving courses online have many beneficial aspects, people own more leisure time and study conveniently, and it may be better if there is a solution to young children.
修改
建议
能围绕题目要求组织思想，结构基本清楚。基本具备用英语表达思想的能力。词汇有一定幅度。但语法错误较多，尤其是缺乏英语句子观念（有很多标点符号错误造成流水句现象），句式不够灵活。另外，不少地方表达很生硬，令人费解。修改建议如下：
1
强化句子写作观念，根除流水句现象；
2
在此基础上增强句式的多样性；
3
强化句子写作观念，根除流水句现象；
唐老师修改
（注：以下修改中，黑色下划线表示没大错，但可以改进；红色下划线表示错误，需要修改。）
Nowadays, more and more people pay attention to giving courses to students online instead of teaching face to face in campus, some people think it can save time and do more significant works, in my opinion, it owns more advantages than disadvantages.
Nowadays, more and more people prefer giving students online courses to teaching them face to face in classroom, believing that online courses can save time for more significant work. In my opinion, online courses do have more advantages than disadvantages.
点评
本段为引入段，内容没有太大问题。
（1）pay attention to...表达不准确，应该是偏好......，用词组表达就是prefer A to B, 或者prefer doing A to doing B (偏好做A而不是B）。
（2）in campus 是错误搭配，一般应做on campus，但这里最好用in classroom。
（3）本段最大的问题是流水句。原文第一句more and more people pay attention to...; 第二句为some people think it can save time...; 第三句为In my opinion, it owns more advantages...，这三句话都是独立的完整的句子，却被用逗号连在一起，没有什么连接词汇，这就构成了流水句。
在雅思作文中，如果偶尔有一个地方出现流水句，尚不影响得分，但若出现多次，就一定会被扣很多分。在下文中，流水句还出现了多次，说明这不是一两个地方失误，而是作者的英语句法观念还不强。英语写完一个句子就要用句号，除非你用连接词去连接下一个句子。修改文用现在分词短语合并了前两个句子，第三个句子用独立句子表达。请学习如何避免流水句的办法。
讲解
汉语可以用流水句，英语不可以。汉语中，两个独立句子只要有关系，就可以用逗号连接，且不需要任何表示两句关系的连接词，而在英语中，这两个句子若用逗号连接，就必须有表示两句关系的连接词，否则必须用句号，若既无连接词，又用逗号连接，就构成了不符合英语语法规范的“流水句”。
中国学生由于受到汉语影响，“流水句”问题屡见不鲜，屡教不改，是英语教师比较头痛的难题。
比如中国学生作文中常见的一句：
We should work together to fight air pollution, this is very important .
我们必须团结起来与空气污染作斗争，这一点非常重要。
这样的英语就是受到汉语意合语法的影响，两个独立的句子用逗号相连，而且没有连接词。怎么修改呢？
很简单，就是把它们分开成两句，或者把其中一句变成从属句，即：
We should work together to fight air pollution. This is very important.
或者：
We should work together to fight air pollution, which is very important.
或者：
It is very important that we work together to fight air pollution.
Giving courses online save people’s time as people can have courses everywhere, which is more convenient than studying in campus, students who live far from schools have to take much time to reach campus, and it is really inconvenient in rainy days, so online courses can solve such problems.
Giving courses online saves people’s time as they can learn at any place, which is more convenient than studying in classroom. Students who live far from schools have to spend much time going to school, and it is really inconvenient in rainy days, but online courses can solve such problems.
点评
本段内容也没有大问题，论述online courses为什么可以节约时间。
本段最大的一个问题依然是流水句。Students为主语的一句应该另起一句了。
（1）students...have to take much time to reach campus搭配有错误，应该是students...have to spend much time reaching campus，如果用take，句型应该修改为：It takes much time for students...to reach campus.
(2) so online courses can solve such problems 中so 应该为but，表示转折。
Giving courses online also benefits for busy people, for example, those who are famous entrepreneurs and have no regular leisure time. They can have courses every time, they can earn money and have courses which will not cause conflicts. For instance, my uncle who is a CEO of a big company, and he always take courses online during the airplane, he said he can utilize the fractional time to expand his knowledge significantly.
Giving courses online also benefits busy people, especially those famous entrepreneurs who have no time to take regular classes. As they can take online courses any time, it does not prevent them from earning money. My uncle, for instance, is a CEO of a big company. He always takes his online courses on the flight. He said he could utilize this kind of fractional time to expand his knowledge.
点评
本段论述online courses对特别忙的人的好处。
（1）原文划线部分是表达的大错误，一般人读不懂你想说什么。“上课和挣钱不矛盾”很难表达，可以转化为“网上学习不影响他们挣钱”（taking online courses does not prevent them from earning money）。当有些意思比较抽象不好表达的时候，可以先用简单的汉语把这句话重新表达出来，然后再翻译成英语，这样犯严重错误的机会就可以大大减少了。
（2）he said引导的一句话与前面一句话用逗号连接，又是一句流水句。
（3）benefit sb. 一般不说benefit for sb.
Although teaching online is beneficial for people’s study, there is another special group who are young with less self-control, such as primary students. According to a professional survey, scientists said that primary students have far less patience to their study than graduates. There will be an increasing students who can not concentrate on class if there is no teacher monitoring them face- to- face. But the situation can be changed if parents accompany them and keep watch on them. And online courses will also save parent’s time who have to deliver their children to school everyday.
Furthermore, online courses can also make it easier for parents to take care of their kid’s learning. As we know, young children such as primary students do not have much self-control. Some scientists say that primary students have far shorter attention span than the older children. Without being monitored face to face, they can hardly concentrate on their study. That’s why they need their parents to accompany them and keep watch on them. If kids take online classes, they can stay at home and study under the supervision of their parents.
点评
本段写得比较乱，是整篇文章中比较差的一个段落。
主要原因是缺乏一个主题句。一般每段的第一句话是本段的中心意思，即主题句。
从本段后面看来，本段是想论述网络课程可以让家长更好地监督孩子的学习。
因此，第一句就要清楚地把这个中心意思表达出来，然后再去论述。另外，本段的语言表达也有颇多失误之处，请比较唐老师修改文。
Giving courses online have many beneficial aspects, people own more leisure time and study conveniently, and it may be better if there is a solution to young children.
To conclude, giving online courses has many beneficial effects. It enables people to learn at any time and place, thus saving people’s time.
点评
本段为结尾段，主要应突出节约人们的时间。原文依然是流水句，表达也有不清楚的地方，请对比修改文。
修改后文章评分：6.5
专栏作者
唐伟胜
新航道特约雅思学术顾问
广东外语外贸大学教授、博士
中国知名英语教育专家