看5.5分雅思作文如何“变身”成为7分范文 / 开普饭

“

各位烤鸭们

眼瞅着我们已经正式

进入到了2017年的下半年

大家要继续加油噢~

新栏目【雅思作文修改】来喽~

本栏目提供学生习作

由唐伟胜老师进行批改和评析

充分指出问题所在

帮助大家巧妙避开吧“雷点”

实现“分”的飞跃

建议大家仔细阅读

一定会大有收获哦

比心❤

“

Towns and cities are attractive places. Some suggest the government should spend money putting in more works of art like paintings and statues to make them better to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

”

本期习作原文

It has been claimed that an increasing amount of money should be spent by governments on works of arts to make towns and cities more livable. I tend to disagree with this idea, although works of art can certainly bring some positive effects.

Those who agree with this point of view may argue that works of art can make our living place become more attractive. For example, by spending money on designing a modern statue in city center, the statue can act as a decoration of the city. In addition, the statue may turn into a place where residents can visit and spend time with their friends and families during their spare time. However, this may be less practicable in some under development area, where government budgets may not be sufficient to build work of arts, which are less important in regards to improving living standards.

There are other areas that may consider to be more important for governments, in terms of funds allocation on creating better living place for citizens. Basis infrastructure is curial in a city; for example, governments should allocate more funds on supporting high standard institutions to ensure that better quality education can be provided. Apart from this, governments should provide financial support on building well-design traffic system in facilitating efficient and convenient means of travelling. If governments use too much money putting in constructing works of arts, it may occupy the ability of providing the basic living standards for citizen. Thus, towns and cities may become less attractive place to live.

In conclusion, I think governments should balance the budget in allocation and avoiding wasting too many resources in works of arts.

修改

建议

能使用英语来表达自己的思想，逻辑也比较清晰，结构合理。

几个地方出现搭配错误，导致语法不通，虽然不至于影响理解，但已经足以限制得较高分数；

文章抽象化程度高，具体内容不够，因此显得呆板，缺少个性。

如果目标在6.5，有效解决第一个问题即可；如果目标在7，需要同时解决以上两个问题。

唐老师修改

（注：以下修改中，黑色下划线表示没大错，但可以改进；红色下划线表示错误，需要修改。）

It has been claimed that an increasing amount of money should be spent by governments putting in more works of art to make our towns and cities more livable. I tend to disagree with this idea, although works of art can certainly bring some positive effects on the towns and cities.

点评

本段开头，直接提出话题，并点出自己观点。直截了当，没有什么大问题。

Those who stand for this point of view may argue that works of art can make our living place more attractive. For example, a beautifully-designed statue in the city center can serve as a decoration, attracting residents to visit and spend time with their friends and families in their spare time such as on holidays and weekends. However, this may be less feasible in some underdeveloped areas, where the government budgets are not sufficient enough to build works of art, which are, after all, not important compared with improving people’s living standards.

点评

本段意思基本明白，但小错误不少。请尤其关注红色划线部分及其修改。

（1） ...by spending money on designing a modern statue in city center, the statue can act as a decoration of the city.

By doing something, people can...这个句型是唐老师喜欢的句型，但应注意，后面的主语应该是前面do的逻辑主语。这里，by spending money...明显是政府来花钱，因此后面的主语就一定要是政府（the government）。可改为：

...by spending money (in) designing a modern statue in city center, the government can make the center into a place of culture so that residents can visit and spend time with their friends and families...

再如：

By working hard, he was finally promoted.

By eating at home, people can enjoy whatever food they like.

（2） under development areas是错误的表达，应该是under-developed areas

（3） In / with regards to...是关于......的意思，这里的意思应该是“和......相比”，所以改为“compared with” 或者 “in comparison with”。

It is, therefore, advisable that the government should allocate its limited financial budgets to areas considered to be more important to people’s life. Basic infrastructure is crucial in a city, for example, and the government should also put more funds supporting high standard academic institutions to ensure that better quality of education can be provided. On top of this, the government should provide financial support for a highly efficient public traffic system including the high way, the metro, and the bus. However, if the government devotes too much money to the statues or paintings for beauty’s sake, it may weaken its ability to provide the basic living conditions for its citizens. If that happens, the city will become an intolerable place for people to live in.

点评

本段虽然大意还是清楚，但写得很乱，错误很多。

（1）There are other areas that may consider to be more important for governments, in terms of funds allocation on creating better living place for citizens.

这句不太清晰，consider应该用被动语态。There are other areas that may be considered as more important...; in terms of funds allocation on creating... 可改为in terms of funds allocation to create...

（2）it may occupy the ability...

这里应该是“限制”而不是“占领”：花在艺术品的钱多了，就会限制政府做其他事情的能力。

（3）其他介词乱用的情况，不一一列举，请参照唐老师的修改。

In conclusion, I think governments should balance the budget in allocation and avoiding wasting too many resources in works of arts.

In conclusion, while I think the money spent on works of art to make the city more beautiful is worthwhile, the government should carefully plan its budget, especially in those poor areas, and avoid wasting too much on them at the costs of the living standards of its citizens.

点评

结尾太短，没有概括出正文的两层意思：即好处和坏处。