世上最难做的 是父母 ｜听斯坦福大学教导主任的深度思考 （下）
Saturday
昨天了解了清单式人生的大体内容和危害，你思考了吗？今天我们继续跟着Julie教授一起探索“爱与幸福”。
4
爱和琐事
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.
我是不是提到了“琐事”？的确如此。原因是这样的。历史上最长的关于人类的纵向研究（注：长期追踪一群人生活的方方面面）叫做 Harvard Grant Study。这份研究发现事业有成，这种我们迫切期望孩子们能实现的成功，来自于在童年时做过细碎的，丝毫看不出重要的“琐事”。而且越早开始，效果就越好。那种卷起袖子埋头苦干的意识会告诉他们：总要有个人去完成一些吃力不讨好的任务，那个人也许就是我。这种意识还会告诉他们：我要用自己的努力成就集体的进步。在职场中，正是这种表现会让你得到赏识提升，走在前面。我想你我都已经知道这一点。
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
虽然我们都知道这一点，可是在清单式童年中，我们默许孩子们别去碰那些细碎无聊的家务。于是当他们成年以后，这些孩子会在职场中等待着为他们准备的清单。可那份清单并不存在！而更严重的是，他们没有卷起袖子埋头苦干的热情，没有的环顾四周，想想能帮同事做点什么，能够提前帮老板准备点什么的习惯和本能。
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
Harvard Grant Study 的另一个发现是幸福来自于爱，不是对工作的爱，而是对人的爱，对伴侣，朋友，家庭的爱。所以童年应该教会孩子们如何去爱。他们只有先爱自己才能学会去爱别人。而只有得到了父母无条件的爱，他们才能学会爱自己。
Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.
没错！所以当我们的孩子从学校回来，或者我们下班回家，我们不应该再只去关注分数和成绩，我们应该暂时告别高科技的行头，把手机放到一边，看着他们的眼睛，让他们读到那种当他们刚出生时我们发自内心的喜悦。然后我们应该说，“今天过的怎么样？有什么有意思的事儿吗？” 如果他们像我青春期的女儿一样回答： “午饭，”，即使恰恰你像我一样真正想听到的是数学测验，而不是午饭，你还是要对午饭提起兴趣。你得说，“今天的午饭为什么那么有趣？”你要让孩子们知道我们在乎的是他们，而不是他们的GPA。
5
成功与幸福
All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.
好吧，现在你会想，“琐事”和爱，这些听起来是不错，不过这些没有什么用。大学申请靠的是分数，成绩单，奖项。而我要说，不全是。那些最大牌的学校要求的确如此，不过好消息是：和那些让人无所适从的大学排名榜试图灌输给我们的理念不同，一个人幸福和成功并不需要来自于这几个大牌学校。幸福和成功的人有去州立大学，社区大学，去没人听说过的小学校，或者在这上到一半退学了。
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.
证据呢？证据就在这个房间里，在我们的社区里，这点毋庸置疑。如果我们愿意打开百叶窗，愿意多看看几所学校，愿意暂时把我们的自负放在一边，我们就可以接受并且拥抱这个事实。然后我们就会意识到，就算我的孩子没能进入那几个大牌学校也没什么大不了的。
And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.
而更重要的是，如果他们的童年不是在完成一份专制的清单，那么当他们进入大学时，无论是哪所大学，他们根据自己的意愿做出了选择，他们已经做好准备，要靠着自己的能力去闪闪发光。
I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges.
我得向你们承认，就像我之前提到过的，我有两个青春期的孩子 Sawyer 和 Avery。曾经有段时间，我觉得我对待他们俩就好像对盆景树一样。我会精心的剪裁，把他们塑造得完美无缺，完美到确保让他们进入那几所最难进的大学。
But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.
但是通过养育自己的两个孩子，通过和上千位其他人的孩子一起共事，我意识到Sawyer 和 Avery 不是盆景。他们是不知名不知种类的野花，而我的任务是为他们提供养分，让他们经历锤炼，爱他们使他们能去爱别人并收获爱，让他们能按照自己的轨迹收获学业和事业。我的任务不是让他们变成我想象中的 Sawyer 和 Avery，我的任务是支持他们成为熠熠发光的自己。