12.05
South-Roaming #13 Reading
What a happiness or meaning equation could be like? Time and space for body recharging and relaxing, quick swtich between nature and urban life, true friendship that provides mutual in-depth discussion and daily talk and of course a living in harmony with the above. Especially, roaming passion and exploration shalled be included for possible life extending. A fusion of these seems impossible now.
After lunchtime, the Warehouse owner and his worker linger at the door bathing in sunlight. The owner stuck up a coversation with me and exchanged our experience in Beijing. The man lost his business after accumulating a lot wealth but he seemed calm recalling it. Only when he said that it was hard to become part of Beijing and it was saddening to stand on a skybridge over the streets, seeing countless people come and go out there, the man frowned with serious expressions. The rest of our talk was no fresh; he thought that to work hard for a fews years and settle down would be comfortable or a person would be easily out of touch with society. Right, but I didn’t go deep in the talk as I am just having a long rest or stagnation. I got no stories to share and deep down I don’t think stories are important, though people seem only interested in this aspect of life. Though the talk weighs a bit on me on a realistic level, I take it as a karmic collision with my thoughts now in the re-making.
Looking back, I can feel that compulsive and anxious symptoms that I had in the first half of this year have eased a lot. A sense of calmness and peace takes over them, which however remains a far cry from real motivation to move forward.
As for what I really think about things ahead, I cannot put them in words. They are still so flimsy now to be found out of my cerebral circuits. They would be sobtaged soon if exposed. On the other hand, they are not clear enough to be acted by. Hard enough.
A pessimistic finding is that people are so socialized to fit in their alloted roles. Family members only share odds and ends and touch little upon anything beyond their old rut. I guess that’s why “to go beyond one’s expectations” becomes an important skill to fawn over a big gun, because it breaks one’s learned impression on specific social roles. Speaking of roles, I remember the Warehouse owner said that people in Beijing wore masks and it was hard to deal with interpersonal relations. The man was pretty straighforward and candid. The “masks” are out of my depth to penetrate and I’m in no position to talk about it. Socical rookies, well, shut up then. I got no interest in this respect, either.
Recent days see blowing winds that cool down the air. Several hous ago when darkness had fallen I still saw a line of light between the black cloud and the hills through the window. Perhaps it was at this moment you felt most on your own. I went downstairs and pushed the bike in before closing the iron door. The latch scrapes the locking parts making a flurry of noise. I stepped back up the cement-made and not-yet-tiled stairs. To what extent a person’s fortunes matter, I don’t know. Earlier generations use unwritten responsibilities and social momentum to continue their family development and life, but now these reaons have been severed. People go to school, work and marry and die. They go through their life driven by fear, by anxiety, by social momentum, by “because that’s what everybody does”. From a survivalist angle, these reasons stand firm. But have we all been reduced to a sruvivalist survival? If asked so, most might not agree. They may hesitate to reply. Fundamentally they do not think about this, which is not only tiring, brings no realistic benefits, but subtoages a sense of certainty and stability. Makes sense.
Though my self-attack and compulsive symtoms lessens much, I doubt they could soon be back once I plunge again into survival struggles. Any before I now put this clearly in words my body had acted, as always, driven by a sense of crisis, yet not as severe as months ago. I had tried to buddle what I called “the support system” and put it in Sandbox operation, meaning that it will run at the lowest cost of time and energy while being supportive of other daily activies. Body, language, reading and writing are contained in it. I failed though until a few days ago I finally progressed a bit in making reading, writing and language drilling a routine. Besides, listening to podcasts comes as a surprise. I hadn’t expected that my fondness for it was so cemented after I recommended it to some bros.
Reading
Now reading Philosophy (Oxford, A Very Short Introduction). Reading this book is like a confirmation that what I have been thinking in private is itself a philosophical thinking only of myself. The book helps me to make out the border of great minds even thought I could not go deep into their labyrinth of human thinking. The book reiterates the pervading of philosophy in daily life, which agains goes against popular cognition that Philosophy is just like shit and eggheads’ stuff of no use for realistic life. To a large extent, they are right. But put in pespective, “reading philosophy” is like smoking, and you might not asked a person why s/he is smoking as it is obviously no good for health. “I just love the pleasure of sucking at it” “I just love the feeling of blowing smokes out!”. Dragged at a “pleasure” level, people might see the justification in reading philosophy. Well, it is of course absurd and pathetic to argue at such a level, but the reason I mention this is that obviosuly I am caught, like many others, in this culture that all the stuff other than realistically useful should be ruled out for better survival. I now have finished the chapter that revolves around Plato’s Crito, exploring the question “what should I do”. It concerns making choices and how we make it. The reasoning process is worthwhile of reading. Books, if taken as thoughtful people talking to you, could really be valuable especially when you think that there should be such people lay bare the issues you will never get answered by anyone in real world! To be able to read is definitely a blessing. //Typing these, I just remember my grandma. I remember her saying “(what a shame) I can’t recognize words (read)”. I remember her quiet squatting before the rural wood-burning cooker, face reddened by the falmes in it. I remember during my childhood her turning off lights by pulling a thin white rope hung from a roof beam and going to bed when it was just getting dark.
Martin Eden From Inner Mongonia to Yunnan, I finally finished it by reading it aloud. I saw Martin, a rags-to-riches man, disillusioned and sank himself into the deep ocean. This story also tells Jack London’s life, who died of suicide or drugs at only about 40, after he rose to a writer’s prominence through many struggles. I flipped to the first page and decided to read aloud through it again. Language-wise, it has become much approachable and not as daunting as it looked. (TO BE continued)
南漫游#13阅读
幸福或意义的等式是什么样的？给身体充电和放松的时间和空间，在自然和城市生活之间快速转换，提供相互深入讨论和日常交谈的真正的友谊，当然还有一种与之和谐相处的生活。特别是漫游的激情和探索，可能延长生命。现在似乎不可能融合这些元素。
午饭后，仓库老板和他的工人在门口徘徊，沐浴在阳光下。店主向我隐瞒了一件事，并交流了我们在北京的经历。这个人在积累了大量财富后失去了生意，但回忆起来他似乎很平静。只有当他说很难成为北京的一部分，站在街上的天桥上，看到无数的人来来去去，他才严肃地皱着眉头。我们谈话的其余部分并不新鲜，他认为努力工作几年，安定下来会很舒服，否则一个人很容易与社会脱节。是的，但我没有深入讨论，因为我只是在长时间的休息或停滞。我没有故事可以分享，我内心深处认为故事并不重要，尽管人们似乎只对生活的这一方面感兴趣。虽然我的想法和现实的麦克风有点冲突。
回首过去，我能感觉到我在今年上半年的强迫和焦虑症状已经缓解了很多。一种平静与和平的感觉占据了他们，然而，这与向前迈进的真正动机仍然相去甚远。
至于我对未来事情的真正想法，我无法用语言表达。它们现在还很脆弱，我的大脑回路中还没有找到它们。如果暴露在外，他们很快就会哭泣。另一方面，他们还不够清楚，不能采取行动。够难的了。
一个悲观的发现是，人们如此社会化，以适应他们分配的角色。家庭成员只分享一些零碎的东西，很少触及他们的旧习惯之外的任何事情。我想这就是为什么“超越自己的期望”成为讨好大炮的一项重要技能，因为它打破了一个人对特定社会角色的习得印象。说到角色，我记得仓库老板说北京人戴面具，很难处理人际关系。这个人很直率，很坦率。我不想让面具穿透我的深度。社会新人，好吧，闭嘴。我对这方面也不感兴趣。
最近几天刮起的风使空气降温。几小时前，当夜幕降临的时候，透过窗户，我仍然看到一道光线在乌云和群山之间。也许是在这一刻，你感觉最为独立。我下楼把自行车推进去，然后关上铁门。门闩刮伤了锁紧部件，发出一片嘈杂声。我后退一步，走上水泥做的、还没有铺瓷砖的楼梯。我不知道一个人的命运有多重要。前几代人利用不成文的责任和社会动力继续他们的家庭发展和生活，但现在这些领域已经被切断。人们上学、工作、结婚和死亡。他们的一生都受到恐惧、焦虑、社会动力的驱使，“因为每个人都是这样做的”。从生存主义者的角度来看，这些理由站得住脚。但我们是否都沦落到了一个生存的边缘？如果这样问，大多数人可能不会同意。他们可能不愿回答。从根本上说，他们不考虑这一点，这不仅累人，没有带来现实利益，反而小计一种确定感和稳定性。有道理。
虽然我的自我攻击和强迫症状减轻了很多，但我怀疑一旦我再次陷入生存挣扎，它们是否会很快卷土重来。在我现在用语言清楚地表达这一点之前，我的身体一如既往地受到危机感的驱使，但没有几个月前那么严重。我曾试图将我称之为“支持系统”的东西融合在一起，并将其置于沙盒操作中，这意味着它将以最低的时间和精力成本运行，同时支持其他日常活动。它包括身体、语言、阅读和写作。但我失败了，直到几天前，我终于在使阅读、写作和语言训练成为一种惯例方面取得了一些进展。此外，收听播客也让人感到意外。没想到我把它推荐给几个兄弟后，我对它的喜爱竟然如此牢固。
阅读
现在读哲学（牛津，非常简短的介绍）。读这本书就像是在确认，我私下里一直在想的事情本身就是对我自己的哲学思考。这本书帮助我弄清了伟人的边界，即使我无法深入他们人类思维的迷宫。这本书再次重申了哲学在日常生活中的渗透