海外校园观察｜美国大学生“理想伴侣”课堂小调查
文/孙嘉明
“理想伴侣”是一种恋爱婚姻的价值观，它体现了人们在恋爱婚姻选择上的取舍，也在一定程度上反映了社会整体的意识形态。婚姻是一种社会行为。因此，它就不是简单的男女两个人在生理意义上的结合，而是文化意义上的一种相互承认、接纳、交融、互动的过程。显然，它要求男女双方不仅具有生理上的互相吸引和投入，更需要在除了生理之外的其他因素上的互相接受和认可，这是婚姻的基本要求。“作为一般的婚姻要素，不外乎以下几个方面: 诸如共同的兴趣爱好，对政治的一致看法，具有相似的社会背景，足够的收入，互敬互让，理解和容忍，性关系的和谐等。而人们对其中的每一项的重要性的评价，也就体现了他们的各自的婚姻观。” （转引自《观念代差——转型社会的背景（1991－1994）》孙嘉明著，上海社会科学字出版社，1997年）
美国社会的婚恋观曾发生过巨大的变化。上世纪70年代，美国曾实行了一种叫做"无过错离异合法化"的法律。该法律一出台，即刻引发了一波离婚高潮。而事实上，离婚潮在1980年代到达顶峰，之后便逐渐回落了。美国2015年的离婚率降至35年来最低水平。2015年，美国15岁及以上的已婚女性中，每1000人仅16.9人离婚，为1980年以来的最低水平（那年的这一比例为23千分比）。而2014年的这一数值为17.6千分比。下图大致描述了美国社会自1970年到2015年结婚率和离婚率的变化趋势。结婚率（蓝色线）大幅下降，而离婚率（红色线）则走出了一个倒V型，即近几年略有收敛 。从下图可以看出，就2015年离婚与结婚的比例而言，大致上达到50％左右（结婚率32.3千分比，离婚率16.9千分比）。而这一数字常常被误用为美国社会的离婚率。
虽然美国社会离婚率绝对值还是比较高，婚前性行为比较放纵，未婚先孕，单身母亲在大学生并不少见。然而，年轻人对“正式的婚姻关系”并非人们想像中的那么随意，缺乏要求和不负责任。那么年青人的“理想伴侣”是怎样的呢？
在我任课的社会调查方法课上，我曾经进行了一次有关“理想伴侣”的小范围的调查。问题是这样的：
1，“从你的角度来看，理想类型的丈夫是怎样的？ （女学生回答这个问题）”;
2，“从你的角度来看，理想类型的妻子是怎样的？ （男学生回答这个问题）”。
这里提供给读者的是该小调查中的大部分原始回答资料（未作任何修改或删减），并以中英文的方式与读者分享（显然回答者的名字略去，用大写字母表示，文中段落开始的首字母并不按序排列）。
理想类型的丈夫（女学生回答这个问题）：
A
理想的丈夫模式是与上帝有联系的丈夫。丈夫支持他的妻子，是无条件的，宽恕的，并且共同努力的。一个真正的丈夫不是基于欲望爱他的妻子，而是只是因为她而已。
A
The pure model of husband would be one that has a relationship with God. A husband supports his wife and is nonjudgmental, forgiving, and works toward goals together. A true husband is not lead away by lust, he loves his wife for what she is.
D
我理想的丈夫是当我需要他的任何时候都在。他是朋友和情人，以及我们孩子的好父亲。一个理想的丈夫是能够处理任何情况的人，也是当事情没有按照他们应该的方式进行时可以原谅我的人。我相信我已经有那个丈夫，只是还没有理想中的丈夫那么浪漫而已。
D
My ideal husband is someone who is there for me whenever I need him, lo friend and lover, and a wonderful father to our children. An ideal husband is someone who can handle any situation and can forgive me when things aren't done the way they are supposed to be I believe I already have that husband minus the romantic part that is required of the ideal husband.
F
我对丈夫的理想类型是一个好的听从者，值得信任的，富有爱和同情，并且与我拥有同样信念的人。此外，他必须爱孩子而且能控制自己的愤怒，并与家人相处。他必须接受过教育，具有幽默感。
F
my ideal type for a husband is someone who is a good listener, trustworthy, loving, compassionate, and shares the same faith I do. Also, he must love children be able to control his anger and get along with my family. He must be educated and have a great sense of humor.
G
对我来说，理想的丈夫将是一个南方的绅士，迷人而且受过教育，具有深沉的智慧和吸引力，是你最好的朋友，情人和信徒。他是家庭的顶梁柱，关心爱护孩子和家庭（无论是直系家庭成员还是大家庭成员），支持，幽默，机智，忠实。换句话说，他应当是我已经结婚的那位。
G
To me, the ideal husband would be a southern gentleman, charming, educated, have the sophistication, attractive, your best friend, lover, and confidant, be the backbone of the family, caring, loves children and family (whether immediate or extend), supportive, humorous, witty, faithful, in other words he would be the person that I am already married to.
H
我理想的丈夫是一个勤劳的人，聪明，善良，与我的父母关系良好，应该是一名警察。
H
My ideal husband would be someone that is a hard worker, smart, good with animals, gets along with my parents, and should be a police officer.
H 1
一个理想的丈夫将是关爱和温柔，善良和慷慨，并且明确地知道自己是谁，什么是正确的，具有良好的家庭关系和强烈的宗教信仰，对孩子的热爱，能唱歌和做美食。
H 1
An ideal husband would be caring and gentle, kind and generous, have a firm belief in who he is and stands up for what is right, good family ties and strong religious beliefs, and a passion for children, singing, and good food.
I
我对理想的丈夫的观点包括：与上帝的强烈关系，对孩子和一般人的爱，慷慨的个性，体育爱好者（最好是排球，篮球和足球），热情于他家人和父母的精神素质和身体健康，可以依靠的肩傍，一个良好的沟通者，浪漫的，神秘的，坚强的，真实的，有信心的，对世界发生了什么都很了解和受教育的，愿意回馈自己的社区，并且愿意告诉人们所有关于耶和华的恩典的信条。
I
My point of view of an ideal husband would include qualities such as: a strong relationship with God, a love for children and people in general, a generous personality, a sports fan(preferably volleyball, basketball, and football), passionate about the mental and physical health of his family good to his parents, a shoulder to lean on, a good communicator, romantic, mysterious strong, truthful, confident, educated on what is going on in this world, willing to give back to his community, and willing to tell people of all creeds about the goodness of the Lord.
J
对我来说，理想的丈夫是一个知道如何尊重女人的人，并表明他知道如何做。他应该照顾家人，不惜一切代价，忠于妻子。他也应该是一个害怕上帝的人，并一直把上帝放在心上。
J
The ideal husband for me is a guy that knows how to respect women and shows that he knows how. He should take care of his family at all cost and be faithful to his wife. He should also be a God-fearing man, who has the word at heart.
K
我长大后看电视节目“家居装修”。才知道，一个主演蒂姆的“居家能手”泰勒。无论如何，我想，一个完美的“理想”丈夫已经是概括了我所认为的完美的人。这些素质包括：在家里方方面面都是能手，能够修理自己的汽车，强大，有趣，忠实，成功，能够照顾他的家人以及富有爱。
K
I grew up watching that television show Home Improvement. Ya know, the one starring Tim the "Tool Man" Taylor. Anyways, I guess the "ideals" of a perfect husband have rubbed off on what I would consider the perfect man. Those qualities would include: Being handy around the house, Ability to work on cars, Strong, Funny, Faithful, Successful and able to take care of his family, Loving.
L
从我的角度来看，理想的丈夫应该对上帝有信心。他也必须忠于自己，尊重自己，才能尊重别人。他一定是会关爱他人的人。他也必须是负责任的，有志向在生活中取得成功的人。他也必须要孩子的。
L
From my point of view and ideal husband should have faith in God. He must also be loyal and have respect for themselves so they can be respectful of others. He must be a loving and caring person. Must also be responsible and have the ambition to be successful in life. He must also want person. children.
M
我的理想丈夫是：有趣的，诚实的，关怀的，善良的，勇敢的，保护我们的家庭，想要孩子的，享乐于帮助别人，敢于表白自己的信仰和情绪以及雄心大志的，勤奋的，非常重视以双方家庭为导向，忠实，幽默，有吸引力，是我最好的朋友，我永远不会厌倦的人，同时又是一个动物爱好者。
M
My ideal husband would be: fun-loving, honest, caring, kind, Courageous, protective of our family, want children, enjoy helping others, not afraid to speak his mind about his beliefs and emotions, ambitious, hardworking, very family oriented with both of our families, faithful, humorous, attractive, my best friend, someone I never tire of being with, an animal lover.
N
我的理想类型的丈夫会爱上帝，经常和家人一起上教堂，无条件地爱上教会，把孩子放在首位，并且与孩子们和妻子一起度过时间，但也可以享受不同的兴趣。勤劳，诚实，爱。在身心两方面都强壮的人。
N
my ideal type of husband would love God and attend church regularly with family, love unconditionally, put children before all others and want to spend time with them and wife of course, but would also have separate interests that could enjoy also. Hardworking, honest, loving. Someone who is strong both mentally and physically.
O
从我的角度来看，一个理想的丈夫会有这样的品质，包括与基督的信仰关系，对牧师的热情，对他人的热爱，耐心，诚实，正直，幽默，妥协的能力，具有成为家庭的领导者的能力，一个好父亲，对文化和旅游具有兴趣，能够原谅，浪漫和由衷服务他人。
O
From my point of view, an ideal husband would have such qualities including: faith relationship with Christ, passion for ministry, love of people, patience, honesty, integrity, humor, ability to compromise, ability to be the leader of the family, good father, an interest in culture and travel, ability to forgive, romantic and a heart for service.
P
我纯洁的理想丈夫模式是与上帝保持亲密关系的，一个始终尊重妻子的人。我的丈夫应当能照顾他自己的身体，不吸烟和保持锻炼，就像我一样。我想要丈夫知道能够处理自己居所内外的事情，以及的烹饪和清洁。我也希望他受过教育的。
P
My pure model of an Ideal Husband is one that has a personal and close relationship with God. One who respects his wife at all times. my husband to take care of his body can be him to do this by not smoking and working out, like me.I want my husband to know how to do things around the house, such a cooking and cleaning. I also want him to have some type of education.
T
对于我来说，一个纯粹而理想的丈夫模式并不存在，因为理想的人不存在。我们都有缺陷，完美是无法获得的。我寻求诚实，正直和信仰神的品质来确定我的理想人物。
T
A pure and ideal type model for a husband for me does not really exist because the ideal man does not exist. We all have flaws and being perfect is not obtainable. I look for qualities such as honesty, integrity and his belief in God to determine my ideal man.
U
在我看来，一个理想的丈夫是首屈一指的，一个爱上帝的人，把上帝列为他所做的一切之首。他是一个在任何情况下关爱家人的人，是一个听从者，善良的人，愿意为他的同伴/家人作出牺牲。一个理想的丈夫将是一个努力工作的、值得信赖、可靠的人，并且努力在他所做的一切中取得成功的人。
U
In my opinion, an ideal type husband is 1st and foremost, a man that loves God and puts him 1st in everything that he does. A man that loves and cares for his family under any circumstances one who listens, is kind-hearted, and willing to make sacrifices for his companion/family. An ideal husband would be a man who is hard-working, trustworthy, reliable, and one who strives for success in everything he does...
X
丈夫的理想类型是：诚实，诚信，勤奋，智慧和受教育的，有吸引力，良好的维护和干净，预算和投资都很好，喜欢运动但不要太多，有着没有自己的孩子的开放性想法，但帮助不太幸运的人，成熟但喜欢玩乐，尊重妻子和她的事业，与家人有良好的关系。
X
The ideal type of a husband is: Honest and has integrity, Hard-working, Intelligent and Educated, Attractive, Well maintained and clean, Budgets and invests money well, Loves sports, but not too much, open to the idea of not having his own children but helping less fortunate ones, Mature but likes to have fun, Respects the wife and her career, Has a good relationship with the family.
A1
从我的角度来看，一个理想的丈夫是忠实，忠诚，爱心，细心的，好看的人（抱歉，如果没有吸引力，就不行），对孩子好，想得周到，爱上帝，以家庭为导向，在床上功夫好，把我放在首位。
A1
From my point of view, an ideal husband is someone who is faithful, loyal, loving, attentive and good looking (sorry if there is no attraction, it's not gonna work), good with children, thoughtful, loves God, family oriented, good in bed, and puts me before himself.
B1
在我看来，理想的丈夫是一个诚实，勤奋，有吸引力，有自信但不是自大，有趣，甜蜜，关爱，而且喜欢户外运动的人，他能支持他的妻子一切，爱他的孩子，和爱动物。我认为，在选择生活中的合作伙伴时，它应该是一种你所爱的一切素质，而且有一、两个可以学习一起生活的方面，因为这可以保持你的兴趣。
B1
In my opinion, the ideal husband would be one who is honest, hardworking, attractive, confident but not cocky, funny, sweet, caring, and who loves the outdoors, supports his wife in all that she does, loves his children, and loves animals. I think that when it comes to choosing a partner for life it should be one that has all of the qualities that you love and one or two that you can learn to live with because that's what keeps it interesting.
C1
对我来说，理想的丈夫是一个不仅尊重我，也尊重我周围人的人。我也应该在关系中完全信任和爱。也应该爱上帝。
C1
The Ideal husband for me is someone who not only respects me but also the people I am around. I also that there should be complete Trust and Love in the relationship. There should also be a love of God.
D1
我的理想类型的丈夫是一个男人，把上帝放在第一位，不欺骗！爱孩子，爱，善良，他是最好的一个好朋友，因为没有友谊你永远不会是一个丈夫。
D1
My ideal type of husband is a MAN that puts God first, DOESN’T CHEAT, good with kids, loving, kind-hearted and most of all a good friend because without friendship you can never be a husband.
理想类型的妻子（男学生回答这个问题）：
Y
我的理想类型的妻子是一个首先是一个怕上帝的女人，是被上帝拯救的人。她是能顺服她的男人的人，把她的男人放在除了所有强大的上帝以外的所有人之首的人。她不是物质主义的东西的人。
Y
My ideal type of a wife is someone that is first a God fearing woman that is saved. Someone that is submissive to her man, and puts her man first, over everyone else except all mighty God. Someone that is not into materialistic things.
Z
从我的角度来看，一种理想类型的妻子是有吸引力的（因为老实说，它必须从吸引力开始），有一个很好的幽默感，有趣的周到，受过良好教育，有强烈的信念和道德，放松（不紧张），关心（并有一个好的未来妈妈的特质）。
Z
From my perspective, an ideal type of wife would be attractive (because, honestly, it has to start at attraction), have a good sense of humor, be fun to be around, be well-educated and have strong convictions and morals, relaxed (not uptight), and be caring (and have the traits of a good future mother).
V
我理想的妻子是一个对上帝有信心的人，她会公开诚实，与家人和我的家人良好相处，不讨厌我所有的朋友，有幽默感，能忍受我的愚蠢和错误，朴实实在，喜欢旅行和积极生活，某种程度上关心她自己的外表如何，并且有一些我相同的兴趣，无论是在音乐，体育（足球，曲棍球，鼻子）或其他什么。
V
my ideal wife would be someone that has a strong faith in God, she would be open and honest, gets along with her family and my family, doesn't hate all my friends, has a good sense of humor and can put up with my goofy butt, down to earth, likes to travel and be active, cares about how she looks to a degree, and has some of the same interests that I do, whether it's in music, sports (football, hockey, NASCAR) or whatever.
Q
从我的角度来看，一种理想的妻子是受过教育，聪明，面向目标，独立，诚实，有趣和外向的。然而，理想类型通常取决于当前的文化价值观，并可能根据时代和社会变化而具有跨文化差异。
Q
From my point of view, an ideal type of wife is educated, intelligent, goal-oriented, independent, honest, funny, and outgoing. However, ideal types are usually dependent on current cultural values and may differ cross-culturally depending on the era and the society.
R
我理想的妻子有以下特点：幽默感，培养，忠诚，深情，受过教育，雄心大志，家庭和服务为导向，身体健康。最重要的是我最好的朋友，情人和灵魂伴侣。
R
My ideal wife would have the following characteristics; Sense of Humor, Nurturing, Loyalty, Affectionate, Educated, Ambitious, Family, and Service-oriented, Physically Healthy. And above all my best friend, lover and soul mate.
S
我的理想类型的妻子将是一个同情和谦卑的女人，但同时是一个期望她所给予别人同样尊重的女人。她应当是幽默感和口味都比我好的人。她是一个梦想家，但相信行动胜于雄辩。她聪明，忠诚，相信爱情征服了所有人。
S
My ideal type of a wife would be a woman who is compassionate and humble but someone who expects the same amount of respect she gives. She has a good sense of humor and better taste than I. She is a dreamer but believes actions speak louder than words. She is smart, loyal and believes that love conquers all.
E
对我来说，一个理想的妻子将是同情，爱心，细心，不附加于太多的物质财富，也许最重要的是有幽默感。
E
An ideal wife for me would be compassionate, loving, mindful, not attached to too many material possessions, and probably the most important of all, have a sense of humor.
B
一个完美的妻子的想法是一个不仅尊重你作为他们的伴侣，而且也是你最好的朋友。她是你所最信任的人，她爱你不是为了你的好品质，而是珍惜你的瑕疵。我祖父母在我爷爷逝世之前已经结婚六十年了，从来没有一次争吵过。
B
My idea of a perfect wife is one who does not only respect you as their mate, but is also your best friend, the person whom you confide everything and the person who loves you not for your good qualities, but cherishes you for your flaws Example: my grandparents prior to my grandfather's passing were married for 60 years and never had a single fight.
C
完美或理想的妻子将是一个有着杰西卡·阿尔巴（Jessica Alba）身体的女人，有着像蕾切尔.雷（Rachael Ray）的烹饪技巧，可以准备好（穿着打扮，化妆和头发实际上在10分钟以内，但仍然看起来非常美的，我已经有了完美的妻子，爱我这样的人，她是优秀的母亲，她是热烈的，她喜欢做饭！她是我所知道的最聪明的人之一，但有可怕的判断（她与我结婚），如此幸运为她的缺点。（杰西卡·阿尔芭，美国影视演员。1993年，杰西卡参演了她的银幕处女作《疯狂夏令营》。2001年，杰西卡获得第58届美国金球奖剧情类剧集最佳女主角提名。蕾切尔.雷是美国电视主持人，女商人，名人厨师和作家。她曾主持了日常谈话和生活方式和三个食物网络系列节目。）
C
The perfect or ideal wife would be a woman that has the body of Jessica Alba, the cooking skills of Rachael Ray, and can get ready (dress, makeup, and hair in 10 minutes or less, but still look awesome. Actually, I've already got the perfect wife who loves me for who I am, who is an excellent mother, who is hot, and who loves to cook! She is one of smartest people I know but has a terrible judgment (she married me) Nam so lucky for her flaw.
综合此次小范围非正式调查的资料，大致可以归纳出受调查的这一群体的美国大学生的“理想伴侣”基本模式，包括身体层面、精神层面、社会层面、能力层面 PSSC（Physical, Spiritual, Social, Capable）四个维度：
1，身体层面的理想要求：健康，迷人，有吸引力，强壮，深情
（Physical: Healthy, Charming, Attractive, Strong, Affectionate）
2，精神层面的理想要求：忠诚，爱心，忠诚，与上帝的密切关系，诚实，诚信
（Spiritual, Faithful, Loving, Loyalty, Close relation to God, Honest, Integrity）
3，社会层面的理想要求：享受帮助别人，培养，浪漫，仁慈，责任感
（Social, Enjoy helping others, Nurturing, Romantic, Compassionate, Responsibility）
4，能力层面的理想要求：受过教育，在家里方便，能够在汽车上工作，聪明和学习（Capable: educated, Being handy around the house, Ability work on a car, Smart and learner）
此课堂小调查并非抽样调查，仅提供给对这方面有兴趣的读者参考。但其结果至少从一个侧面可以了解到美国年青大学生对婚恋观的基本理念。而这种理念的形成显然与美国社会的大众文化相关。所谓“窥一斑而见全豹”即是比喻从观察到的部分，可以推测全貌。
美国青年人的婚姻观相对比较单纯、保守以及受宗教信仰的成份影响相当大，与国内年轻人在婚姻观上的时代性和功利性特点似乎大相径庭。一句打油诗表达了社会上人们对婚姻价值观变化的嘲讽: “五十年代嫁军人，六十年代嫁模范，七十年代嫁干部，八十年代嫁经理，九十年代嫁老外。” 这当然是一种比较绝对化的概括，但毕竟体现了国内年轻人在不同时代社会风气的影响之下浮躁的心态以及婚恋观的变化，当然也在很大程度上反映了社会文化的变迁。
“海外校园观察”系列：
海外校园观察：美国高校行政职位获取中的“自我提名” 机制
海外校园观察：美国高校教学大纲的制度设计与理念
海外校园观察：美国高校的“学生评教”理念、形式与指标
海外校园观察：美国高校“多元文化生态”面面观
海外校园观察：美国高校“全方位师资培训”制度与运作
海外校园观察：美国高校“师资招聘和遴选”过程与特点
海外校园观察：美国高校师资职称晋升亲历
海外校园观察：美国高校教职工薪酬制度
海外校园观察：由校园下半旗引起的对“差序格局”的反思